Foolish

 

The best way to spend your 9 month anniversary.

 

"See my days are cold without you
But I'm hurtin' while I'm with you
And though my heart can't take no more
I keep on runnin' back to you"

I've had a terrible weekend. The past few weeks have been really rocky relationship-wise.

It's been back and forth between sweet words and harsh fights. It brings tears to my eyes just writing about it, I'm not entirely sure why. It might be from the disappointment I find after getting my hopes up. Or the insecurities I feel after every fight. I can't hold a grudge, no matter how much he deserves it. And he deserves it big time. I feel like it will make me look bad and make him think "well if she can treat me like this I can find somebody better." So I'll always ask for forgiveness as if I'm in the wrong, when that is rarely the case.

"Baby, I don't know why ya treatin' me so bad
You said you loved me, no one above me and I was all you had
And though my heart is eating for you, I can't stop cryin'
I don't know how I allow you to treat me this way yet still I stay?"

"Baby, I don't know why ya wanna do me wrong
See when I'm home, I'm all alone and you are always gone
And boy, you know I really love you, I can't deny
I can't see how you could bring me to so many tears
After all these years?"

I'm wrapped so tightly around his finger, we both know it. I used to be so strong and guarded, whereas these days I can't even bare to glance at my reflection. I'm so ashamed of how weak I've become. I try act strong but I find myself running back to him.

I know we've had some amazing times, and there was a reason we met in Bali. But if I had known that things would reveal to this back then, I would have stayed clear of his path. Months ago I was sure this was the person for me. My Prince Charming that I'd spend Happily Ever After with. These days it's like making exceptions for a toad.

He used to call me beautiful, and by the look in his eyes it felt like he truly meant it. He used to want to kiss me and touch my skin and hold my hand in public, without a care of who was looking. He used to put me first.

Now it's a subtle complement. There's nothing in his eyes to even fathom a thought that he means it like he used to. Now it's one soft kiss, if it ever comes to kissing and touching it's for a certain reason and in private. I now find myself putting him before everything and him taking both myself and what I do for granted.

"See, when I get the strength to leave you
You always tell me that you need me
And I'm weak 'cause I believe you
And I'm mad because I love you
So I stop and think that maybe
You can learn to appreciate me
Then it all remains the same that
You ain't never gonna change
Never gonna change, never gonna change"

No matter what I do he's the first person I think of. If I have a snack I'll give it to him. If I have the last of my money and he asks for it, I'll give it to him.Whenever he comes over there's always water waiting for him, and I'll make tea/food if he asks for it. The fan is always plugged in incase it gets too hot for him, although I'm constantly cold. He gets the pillow I used to use because he finds it the most comfortable. I'll sleep at his house a majority of the time because he's more comfortable with it. If he asks for a massage he knows I won't turn him down. If he asks for a sexual favour, he knows I will rarely tell him to get f*cked. I've lost friends for him. I do all these things because I want to be as selfless as I can so that he won't want to look for somebody else. Lately though, it feels as if he is looking elsewhere regardless of my actions. It's in my gut but without anyway to prove it, there isn't much I can do.

"Baby why you hurt me, leave me and desert me?
Boy, I gave you all my heart and all you do is tear it up
Looking out my window, knowing that I should go
Even when I pack my bags this something always hold me back."

I have to ask for a massage from him, although he knows he should offer them to me considering our personal circumstances. There are times where yes, he does think of me.. But sometimes I feel the relationship is based on how my being with him effects him, and himself being in control of the relationship, rather than how we make each other feel and being together as you do in a relationship.

 

I honestly do not know anymore.

"I've learnt to expect nothing from people, so that anything is at least something."

Wouldn't have thought I'd be the person to create that 'quote,' especially looking back on it from where I am now. Lyrics from 'Foolish' - Ashanti.

LIFE

 I've taken my life for granted so many times before.

I, along with many others as I would like to think, never really take into account how blessed we really are to live (all the while ghetto) in a safe, somewhat secure house, with running water and electricity. That I have a double bed all to myself with soft, warm pillows, throws and teddies. I am working in retail at minimum wage and while I hate it, I know it is just so much better than Asian babies slaving hard over all your fake Louis Vuitton bags. I have hundreds of pieces of clothing, some of those I haven't even worn yet. I have the opportunity to breeze into a University Pathway because of my stubbornness of not committing through Years 11 & 12 which I realise now were too easy because of 1) teachers and the staff seriously gave me so much slack, and 2) all I had to do was rock up to school, sit there and listen, write some shit down, and go home. Yes, I do regret leaving school, but I know that during that time, even sometime before I was what I think as depressed. I never wanted to get out of bed, and on those solemn days I did get up and go to school for a full day, I never wanted to come back home. I considered suicide more than once. I always used to and to this very day still think that moving far away and just starting fresh would help so much. I could forget about all those mistakes I've made and friends I've put so much of a burden on that I seriously wonder what they could possibly see in someone like myself to make them stay around.

My Mother Dearest basically grew up an orphan. Her Mother died when she was 9 months old, and her Father died when she was 8 or 9. I couldn't even begin to fathom life without my parents in it. Nobody to guide me, support me, and pick me up when I'm at my lowest, or at the Train Station.


I have been trying so hard to not take my life for granted, but it really is harder said than done.

So let us celebrate today! The life we have could be gone and forgotten tomorrow.

Love Love,
Jessica.
xo ♥

I now leave you with just a few of my Life in Pictures Shit.

this girl right here, she's a class of her own. it's been 4 years worth of

crazy fall outs and "reunions" but i am proud to say she is one of my besties.

We have had our fair share of crazy times. She brings out the best of the worst

in me but I have to admit that I love it.

I'll be flying out to Bali with this bitch at the end of the month

(that is if I get my passport on time!), and oh the adventures we will have!

In the next few post I will show you some more of my beautiful bitches,

and go waaaaay more in depth just cause they deserve it.